I'm back, with carer grief

It has been a while (7 months, oops!). Silly me, I thought I had everything 'under control', but over the last month or so...

• I've cried at the end of the Dr Who episode about Vincent Van Gogh, because the credits said if we'd been upset by the episode we could go to this special BBC mental health website, BBC Headroom, for support.
• I've cried at the meditation workshop I was at the next day at the beautiful Abbotsford Convent. We were supposed to be imagining a beautiful garden, and I just got sadder and sadder.
• Started taking 2000mg St John's Wort twice a day, again, as once a day was just not doing it for me.
• Wondered if there's something wrong with me for putting up with a husband who won't do the basic things he needs to do to take care of himself.

On Tuesday I finally got to go to my carer support group again (it has been six weeks, we only meet twice a month but my meditation workshop meant I missed one meeting, and then the Melbourne Cup meant the other was cancelled).

I talked about how I was doing and that I was taking care of myself but feeling so sad. Individual members helped me understand I was in a grief phase. Earlier this year I attended a workshop on grief (run by the CEO of Griefline) in mental health caring - the grief for the life, hopes and dreams we had, that we can no longer attain. It is sometimes referred to as burnout, disenfranchised grief or compassion fatigue. The problem is, there is no closure, no definite steps, little family or community support (unlike bereavement or something physical like a heart attack or cancer diagnosis) and it goes up and down and around like a roller coaster.

On Wednesday, I was supposed to go on another respite day, but apparently the government decided my region had enough funding and I didn't get to go. So I went back to Peninsula Springs, and this time I took hubby. Oh, we had a glorious day... and hubby has never felt so relaxed, so why am I feeling so sad again?

I need some more self care

• Call Griefline and/or Carers Victoria and see if I can get some counselling around my grief.
• Research programs that might help hubby with his combined issues (chronic pain, painkiller addiction, anxiety, and depression).
• See if I can find somewhere the whole family can go and meditate or do yoga together.
• Find somewhere closer hubby can go for regular bathing in warm water.

I'm glad to be back... I hope some of my followers are still out there!

I need help

I didn't realise it's been more than a week since my last post; I've been busy, as usual.

I woke up groggy and with a sore throat today @ 8:05am, having fallen asleep in bed in my clothes, and having forgotten to set the alarm. I woke up because DD knocked on the door complaining DS wouldn't let her have lemonade LOL... later she apologized for waking me up, and I said, "No! Thankyou for waking me up.... I've gotta to get you to school in less than an hour and it's school photo day!"

Well, at least DD's photo will be taken today. DS is home with tonsillitis and antibiotics. Yep, that's what I think I've got.

Over the last couple of days, I've been "embracing" my role as carer... because I can't do this by myself anymore! I rang the lady at the pain clinic (we went to the clinic on Tuesday) who runs a carer support group. She has put me on to some local support groups; not yet enrolled in any yet. I also rang Carers Victoria for the best advice on how to get someone to help me clean and maintain the house, as DH's help is now down to an occasional load of laundry unless I specifically ask him to do something.

Now I'm getting up the courage to ring the council about HACC (Home and Community Care). For a subsidised fee you can get help cleaning. I need some one off help to get to a basic point, and then someone to come in once a week/fortnight to help with floors, bathroom and toilet. I wonder if they could help with cobwebs, dirty walls, picking up dog poo and mowing the lawn too? One thing at a time, Sapphyre!